I was unconsciously aware always that there is dissatisfaction hidden inside me. The daily rush, chores and chaos keep it hidden. But what is inside me cannot go unnoticed. Sometimes I face it and feel very very awkward to have faced it. I eschew the moments like this but as I said I can't avoid them every time. Recently I came across a quote by Emanuel Derman and it read as "Ambition is a state of permanent dissatisfaction with the present". This seems so true but should be taken very positively. It doesn't mean that the path to satisfaction is lack of ambitions. My understanding of it was that dissatisfaction cannot be minimized to zero as humans, in general, cannot be completely non-ambitious. But this dissatisfaction should not be allowed to encompass all the mind which leads to it taking over the peace and harmony of one's life. That said I realize there is a lot of dissatisfaction in me. I can see both the problem and the solution through myself but can't find the path from one to the other. I don't talk about it with people. When I am in such a soup I call many of my friends but never talk it out. Not that I am an extreme introvert but I find it hard to explain it to anyone. In my quest for answers to questions of my life life without questions I come across many solutions every day but most of them show that the previous ones were not right.
This hasn't stopped me from looking for a life like that. On this journey of my life I had moved from India to USA to pursue my graduate studies in Financial Engineering. This was not a small step for me as I had thought it was back in India. May be it is because of little time that had passed since I arrived in USA that the nostalgia of times spent in India hit me hard. May be because I haven't made friends as close as the ones in India that I feel very lonely here. May be because I always dreamed good about life in USA that I don't dream about my future in USA anymore. I never gave so many serious thoughts - so many times a day about my future as I do it here in USA. It makes me uneasy to depend on my family for my expenses and the fact that I am not financially independent even for my basic expenses makes me very uncomfortable. It is hard for me to live with the fact that I don't and will not have my own money for a definite foreseeable future. All this has been very tiring activity which I am unable to control it from affecting me.
After I stepped out of my flight I was not deterred by jet lag but I was wide eyed to capture every aspect of USA though there was this fear of lonely life lurking inside me. It was a huge relief to meet two of my friends in New York airport. My close friend helped me a lot to cushion a huge blow a deserted place can give to a new comer like me. I don't know what I would have done in case he did not pick me up from Detroit. As soon as he left me I descended into a state of loneliness. The awareness about the distance and time gap from people close to me had made it worse. I lived with a lump in my throat that threatened to overwhelm me. Memories of times merrily spent in Chennai and Hyderabad with friends and family gave a heart burn.
I am waiting for things to get back to normal with myself. All this for running behind my dreams.
