Calming the Chaos

22. I am trying to be fascinated by this simple looking number.

During the course of these 22 years I had pondered over various issues related to my psyche, personality and life as a whole. I had been constantly reinventing and discovering a lot of unsettled issues in the vast chaos of my mind. Every one wants to calm down this chaos and I guess its the zenith of the peace that can be achieved in our mind.

During this period I had rarely penned down my chaos thoughts and I fall prey to some unknown phenomenon that stops me from overcoming the pain of chaos. Lazily I can name this tendency as inertia.

A lot of chaos is in my mind and I could feel the pain inside me. All these years I felt the pain subconsciously and sometimes consciously. There is a very thin line between our conscious and unconscious thoughts in our mind. Fortunately since the recent past I had been able to listen to it in all consciousness. My heart constantly urges me to settle this chaos sooner as I could feel the slowly creeping inability of my heart to sustain this chaos any longer.

So coming back to the topic - What should I had done that would have calmed down this chaos ? Some of the solutions I had in my mind while I was growing up are:

- Would getting a 90% + solved it ?
- Would a 100 below rank in JEE solved it ?
- Would a CG of 8+ solved it ?
- Would at least a GP of 9+ solved it ?
- Would a job in the field I want solved it ?
- Would an attitude like - No regrets in life, Act on my instincts, I am what I am and I don't give a fuck, unbridled confidence, oozing enthusiasm and other such idealistic qualities added - solved this ?
- Would a girlfriend solve this ?
- Would understanding and applying wisely the Ayn Rand's philosophy in my life solved it ?

The worst part is when I had expected some of these things to solve my problem I ended up not achieving those things.

One of my profs said we can hardly be successful for 25% of the time in our lives but I find my selves at the bottom zero.

I finally look forward to read Gita and complete my project work successfully. Hope I don't fail in this endeavor.

Freestyler

I had been feeling sporty, adventurous and thus wanted to name this post as 'Freestyler'.

The consequences of such freestyle thoughts are that I had started to play tennis, I am on a course to build a six pack abs and had recently started skateboarding. Tennis and six-pack ventures were due to my long exposure to the happenings in the media and these two caught my interest majarly. Skating suddenly seemed very cool, and when topped with the thoughts of the possible impossibility of pursuing interests like skateboarding after my college pushed me into this sport.

It is skateboarding and not the regular skating because the idea of guys in twenties learning to skate is a little weirder (in fact it feels awkward when tiny tots zoom past me as I try to barely balance myself on the skates) than learning to skateboard. Also skateboard looks cooler. The recollections of movies like 'Steal', x games and other such funky stuff glorified this sport in our minds. I say 'our' because all the above ideas sprang up due to the mutual instigation between me and Bandi, apart from the self and external instigations.

One of the bomma-ism that came up when we went to buy the skateboard was the person in Sportus defined skateboarding as the next level to the regular skating. We mildly believed him in the beginning but later tagged it as a bomma-ism though we could be falsely accusing him of such charges. Also our initial experiences were in line with our judgment.

I end this post on the note of coming back as a skateboarding pro :p.