Deconstructing myself

I had decided that this shall be a long and ever continuing post, differentiated only by the names but not the underlying philosophy. But why should I be doing this here? Bluntly speaking I had seen many doing so out in the open spaces of the web, but I also have this gut feeling of this being therapeutic. Well I had grown up to not become embarrassed for citing such assumed, non-empirical and non-quantitative reasons for doing things in life.

And other important thing is I am writing this using Windows Live Writer. I was pleased to be swept off my its clean and easy to use interface, its WYSIWYG structure and the crispness it offers to the entire blogging process. I highly recommend this desktop tool for all those blog enthusiasts.

Lately I had experienced some major (I mean it literally) in my attitude towards various things in life. Not that this is something very unique happening with only my life, but the disturbing factor had been my inability to pin down the causes as bullet points. From being a lover of freelancing with my time for constructive things in life to being a restless clichéd employer, I see it all turning upside down for me. Hardly an year back I was quietly aspiring to take up a PhD, at least a master’s degree in my earlier love Electrical Engineering. After some brain washing, probably brain flushing, discussions with my mentor at Avaya, friends from insti, seniors and the world on the whole, it resulted in convincing me to being more monetarily oriented in the fast pace or short term while concurrently warning me that down-the-line these decision boundaries shall be blurred. Then I was riding high on bagging a job that pays lot, is finance related, where I could apply all the Math I had planned to learn for my elec courses and importantly that which doesn’t let me think which way I am heading in life. The few parameters I could tinker with in the last few months were only the courses that were offered and the BTP (the B.Tech Project). I was largely successful in bagging everything I wished for and from a birds eye view things were quite smooth and seemed to be on the right track. I was also hoping on the truth of a statement I read in a book that says if we ever wanted something wholeheartedly the whole world conspires to make it happen. The very fact that I am writing this tells that none of what I had planned had turned out to be concrete.

As with the courses and the BTP, I slowly learned it the hard way that it was all what I wanted to be rather than what I wanted to do. Not that I know what I wanted to do but I love thinking that this was what I wanted to do. What is it with this what that follows the other wants? The thing is courses and the project seemed dull, dry and did not showing me how to connect the dots to my future plans. Slowly the events I went through transformed me from an ace player to someone who struggled till the last minute to avoid getting flunked. In this struggle for survival in one of the courses I had to spend a sleepless night during the placements which had, I believe strongly, repercussions lasting till now. I had attended this interview where my dislike for its industry and location of the company was blurred by the money that was offered and the mental laxity caused by sleeplessness. Uneventfully it then took me to a place where all my silent fears came true blazing into my life.

The other kindred effects that seeped through my personality were being a bit too cautious regarding future monetary related activities, like earning to pay for my college, over-cautious about my life in general, like driving too slow, observing too deep into things around me and this compulsive desire to be as diversely talented as possible. All this in an attempt to find what really went wrong with me that made me feel like failing since a long time.

With the flow of things I had started working in a place where I have no one whom I could look up as an ideal in my interests. This place is too localized to even honor itself as international on paper, the things conducive for a satisfying work never seem to be in or out of my control and I am cribbing too much in life. There are many things that I hate about what I do daily but I don’t want to make it a hate blog against my workplace. I also have yet another silent fear that such seemingly normal causes and effects in life could transform me into something very unusual, say like the life of the protagonist in the movie Taxi Driver. I also think a lot about events shown in movies of such kind probably happening with me and my life, especially Scorsese, Tarantino style. To counter this effect I consciously spend a lot of energy to let positive energy flow ( energy is a potential and does potential flow?) into my life through my patient ear towards yoga, philosophy, my family and other such generally accepted peaceful activities.

Everyday I wake up to with a hope that things change miraculously overnight but find the same old stuff churning my mind. When will I like me, my life, stay in peace with what I am am and minimize the deviation from I want to be? Am I thinking about it too much? Am I asking for too much? Did this whole session of writing have any therapeutic effect on me? Yes, I can at least answer this precisely. But did it show me how to connect the dots to my future? No and I didn’t expected it do solve this mystery so easily.

Good for me, so should be good for all

I never expected myself taking in intravenous fluids like salines, electrolytes, iv antibiotics and stuff like that. As a child I assured myself that I shall not be lying there on that hospital bed gazing at the drops of these fluids like some helpless sick head, nothing insulting towards all those patients I had visited but I consider lying on a hospital bed quite insulting to myself. To some extent I am glad that I was still under the effect of anesthesia when this 2 inch long piped needle, that was a bit jazzy with blue and red stripes over a white backdrop, was pierced into one of my nerves. I dreaded it more consciously when it was removed from me.

Though I consider myself fearless for many adventures in life, people who know me certify so mind it I am not flaunting any wrong picture here, but injections and hospitals still send chilling signals down my spine. Even here in the hospital yesterday I was largely on my own once the formalities were finished. I managed myself after the surgery with cleaning my mouth that was embarrassingly oozing with blood, saliva and phlegm. I handled it to the extent of paying off the bills and discharging myself when most were asking if my parents were around. Well here comes the actual issue that I kept the details of the surgery under wraps as my parents would unreasonably feel too concerned about me and come down to my place where they could hardly contribute for my recovery. Yeah I understand that they can add a lot to uplift my morale but they would be straining themselves more in a city like Chennai and moreover I was physically fit as you would have had understood by now from the above mentioned chronicle of events.

It was also the effort by Krishna who had his unique part to add comfort to this entire procedure.

After the surgery I had to orally remain dry for about 10 hours and I had to plead the nurses to allow me get some water into my mouth and despite being laid off by the unnecessarily powerful anesthesia I was undergoing torture unconsciously. It was then that I imagined the plight of men in the conditions of war, remember the movies like Behind The Enemy Lines, Saving Private Ryan and you could add to this list now. Living on a liquid diet is also equally painful and this being the second time I am able to grapple it with more ease. I am anxiously waiting for a couple of my roomies b'days, that are gonna hit next couple of weeks, to thulp myself with the solid foods.

Yet another thing that was frigging me was the cold and this common cold had haunted me for a large part of my life. It was to an extent that I was never complete without a handkerchief. I could have been a little more calculative by not skipping the gym over the last week and avoiding things that were chilled but anyway it helped me learn how to prepare for a surgery. If the surgery I went through, which could easily be written off as a minor one, had to be planned to some level then imagine the planning that goes into undergoing a bypass heart surgery, liver transplants, the brain surgeries. I feel dreaded as I think about them and imagining someone close to me having to undergo such a thing shoots up my blood pressure.

Spending a day or two in any hospital clearly makes one understand how difficult would it be for family members if one among them had to undergo anything medically major , though one could write it off completely as just care, concern and probably their responsibility towards you. We cannot be completely irresponsible with our lives as our lives has a part that is our family, so it would be morally incorrect to consciously inflict them pain by us being careless.

So for all the folks out there be careful with your health, be it by driving carefully, eating healthy, maintaining a healthy lifestyle or whatever it takes. I could be going a little over the board here but realize that our lives revolve around doing things that ultimately makes the lives of our family and friends happy. We cannot stop the unforeseeable events but can definitely be cautious about things under our control.

Happy New Year and have a great life.