Deconstructing myself

I had decided that this shall be a long and ever continuing post, differentiated only by the names but not the underlying philosophy. But why should I be doing this here? Bluntly speaking I had seen many doing so out in the open spaces of the web, but I also have this gut feeling of this being therapeutic. Well I had grown up to not become embarrassed for citing such assumed, non-empirical and non-quantitative reasons for doing things in life.

And other important thing is I am writing this using Windows Live Writer. I was pleased to be swept off my its clean and easy to use interface, its WYSIWYG structure and the crispness it offers to the entire blogging process. I highly recommend this desktop tool for all those blog enthusiasts.

Lately I had experienced some major (I mean it literally) in my attitude towards various things in life. Not that this is something very unique happening with only my life, but the disturbing factor had been my inability to pin down the causes as bullet points. From being a lover of freelancing with my time for constructive things in life to being a restless clichéd employer, I see it all turning upside down for me. Hardly an year back I was quietly aspiring to take up a PhD, at least a master’s degree in my earlier love Electrical Engineering. After some brain washing, probably brain flushing, discussions with my mentor at Avaya, friends from insti, seniors and the world on the whole, it resulted in convincing me to being more monetarily oriented in the fast pace or short term while concurrently warning me that down-the-line these decision boundaries shall be blurred. Then I was riding high on bagging a job that pays lot, is finance related, where I could apply all the Math I had planned to learn for my elec courses and importantly that which doesn’t let me think which way I am heading in life. The few parameters I could tinker with in the last few months were only the courses that were offered and the BTP (the B.Tech Project). I was largely successful in bagging everything I wished for and from a birds eye view things were quite smooth and seemed to be on the right track. I was also hoping on the truth of a statement I read in a book that says if we ever wanted something wholeheartedly the whole world conspires to make it happen. The very fact that I am writing this tells that none of what I had planned had turned out to be concrete.

As with the courses and the BTP, I slowly learned it the hard way that it was all what I wanted to be rather than what I wanted to do. Not that I know what I wanted to do but I love thinking that this was what I wanted to do. What is it with this what that follows the other wants? The thing is courses and the project seemed dull, dry and did not showing me how to connect the dots to my future plans. Slowly the events I went through transformed me from an ace player to someone who struggled till the last minute to avoid getting flunked. In this struggle for survival in one of the courses I had to spend a sleepless night during the placements which had, I believe strongly, repercussions lasting till now. I had attended this interview where my dislike for its industry and location of the company was blurred by the money that was offered and the mental laxity caused by sleeplessness. Uneventfully it then took me to a place where all my silent fears came true blazing into my life.

The other kindred effects that seeped through my personality were being a bit too cautious regarding future monetary related activities, like earning to pay for my college, over-cautious about my life in general, like driving too slow, observing too deep into things around me and this compulsive desire to be as diversely talented as possible. All this in an attempt to find what really went wrong with me that made me feel like failing since a long time.

With the flow of things I had started working in a place where I have no one whom I could look up as an ideal in my interests. This place is too localized to even honor itself as international on paper, the things conducive for a satisfying work never seem to be in or out of my control and I am cribbing too much in life. There are many things that I hate about what I do daily but I don’t want to make it a hate blog against my workplace. I also have yet another silent fear that such seemingly normal causes and effects in life could transform me into something very unusual, say like the life of the protagonist in the movie Taxi Driver. I also think a lot about events shown in movies of such kind probably happening with me and my life, especially Scorsese, Tarantino style. To counter this effect I consciously spend a lot of energy to let positive energy flow ( energy is a potential and does potential flow?) into my life through my patient ear towards yoga, philosophy, my family and other such generally accepted peaceful activities.

Everyday I wake up to with a hope that things change miraculously overnight but find the same old stuff churning my mind. When will I like me, my life, stay in peace with what I am am and minimize the deviation from I want to be? Am I thinking about it too much? Am I asking for too much? Did this whole session of writing have any therapeutic effect on me? Yes, I can at least answer this precisely. But did it show me how to connect the dots to my future? No and I didn’t expected it do solve this mystery so easily.