Calming the Chaos

22. I am trying to be fascinated by this simple looking number.

During the course of these 22 years I had pondered over various issues related to my psyche, personality and life as a whole. I had been constantly reinventing and discovering a lot of unsettled issues in the vast chaos of my mind. Every one wants to calm down this chaos and I guess its the zenith of the peace that can be achieved in our mind.

During this period I had rarely penned down my chaos thoughts and I fall prey to some unknown phenomenon that stops me from overcoming the pain of chaos. Lazily I can name this tendency as inertia.

A lot of chaos is in my mind and I could feel the pain inside me. All these years I felt the pain subconsciously and sometimes consciously. There is a very thin line between our conscious and unconscious thoughts in our mind. Fortunately since the recent past I had been able to listen to it in all consciousness. My heart constantly urges me to settle this chaos sooner as I could feel the slowly creeping inability of my heart to sustain this chaos any longer.

So coming back to the topic - What should I had done that would have calmed down this chaos ? Some of the solutions I had in my mind while I was growing up are:

- Would getting a 90% + solved it ?
- Would a 100 below rank in JEE solved it ?
- Would a CG of 8+ solved it ?
- Would at least a GP of 9+ solved it ?
- Would a job in the field I want solved it ?
- Would an attitude like - No regrets in life, Act on my instincts, I am what I am and I don't give a fuck, unbridled confidence, oozing enthusiasm and other such idealistic qualities added - solved this ?
- Would a girlfriend solve this ?
- Would understanding and applying wisely the Ayn Rand's philosophy in my life solved it ?

The worst part is when I had expected some of these things to solve my problem I ended up not achieving those things.

One of my profs said we can hardly be successful for 25% of the time in our lives but I find my selves at the bottom zero.

I finally look forward to read Gita and complete my project work successfully. Hope I don't fail in this endeavor.